What do I mean when I talk about "self-care"?
- Dr. Jenny Turner
- Nov 7, 2024
- 7 min read
There is a lot being said about self-care these days!
On the one hand - this is great! As women, and often busy mums, workers or carers in another capacity, we need to be learnign about how we can also get some care for us too.
But on the other hand - I feel like all this noise about self-care is actually diluting the meaning of the term, and adding a lot of confusion for people around what self-care actually is, and what it isn't.
A full review of the history of the term 'self-care' is beyond this blog post, so I'll focus on what definitions of 'self-care' help me, and which do not help me. These definitions that I find helpful are then the ones I tend to rely on, to help me look after myself, and to support my clients to better take care of themselves too.
Let's start here, with that basic definition, which just popped into my head as I was typing:
Self-care is how we 'take better care of ourselves'.
This basic definition of self-care is surprisingly often over-looked in our modern world. I personally work hard to keep this in mind, all the time, when I'm trying to engage in self-care for myself:
I remember that 'I require care', and I wonder how I can provide that care to myself.
Just like a plant needs water and light to be taken care of, I too need certain things (as a living, breathing human being) to be cared for adequately, so that I might thrive, rather than wilt and begin to droop.
One of my favourite psychological models, which explains what humans need, comes from a psychologist called Abraham Maslow - you have likely heard of his model referred to as:
'Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs'
Maslow suggested that, as a human being, we have basic & foundational physiological needs - for example, just like a plant, we too need water, light, air & nutrients from the food we eat. Unlike some plants, we also have a physiological need for regular sleep and rest (although - looking at all the gorgeous autumn leaves falling from the trees at the moment where I live, I am reminded that some plants do indeed to rest and sleep too, and typically do so over the winter). We also have a need for warmth, and shelter, from the extremes of our outside environment (for example, too much sun can damage our skin, and if it is too cold we can develop hypothermia or frostbite).
Maslow argued that these physiological human needs were fundamental to our thriving as humans - that is, if these basic human physiological needs were not met, or are met only in a compromised way, then we would be unable to thrive and get our more complex human needs met.
Maslow argued that (on top of needing basic physiological nourishment) we also need to feel a sense of physical safety & security, and connection with other humans and a sense of social belonging (associated with important experiences like love, trust and intimacy), as well as also then needing to feel appreciated, validated and respected (referred to as 'esteem needs'), before we can then go onto addressing our need for 'self-actualisation' - or, the need to live into our full physical, emotional, social and creative potential.
This model from Maslow has been so important, both personally (as I reflect on times when I am not thriving and what I might 'need' to address, to get back on track), and professionally (as I assist my clients to do the same). In both cases, it is astounding how often it is actually very basic needs that we are not having met - particularly in our modern society, which tells us in a million ways each day that we need to always do more, be better, earn more, and always be striving.
For example, so many of us are not drinking enough water, not getting enough (natural) light, not eating a nutritious diet, nor getting enough fresh air or rest. So when I think of 'self-care' I always come back to these basics first, time and time again, and am continually amazed at how powerful they are to help me begin to feel better.
Self-care as an ongoing process:
One of the most useful books I've ever read about self-care is a book called 'Real Self Care' by psychiatrist Dr. Pooja Lakshmin (https://www.instagram.com/poojalakshmin/?hl=en-). In it, she makes the point that we cannot think about self care as a 'one and done' activity, that is - we cannot do one activity or buy one product and call that our 'self-care' - in fact, we can't even buy 1,000 products or do 1,000,000 actvities that feel good for us in that moment, and say we are now 'self-cared'. No, she highlights that self care isn't a 'destination', but is instead a life-long, on-going process & practice. This is from her book:
"Real self-care ... is not a one-stop shop like a fancy spa retreat or journalling app; it's an internal process that involves making difficult decisions ... It involves the internal process of setting boundaries, learning to treat yourself with compassion, making choices that bring you closer to yourself, and living a life aligned with your values".
She adds: "It's hard work ... " and I couldn't agree more. If your self-care feels really easy, then you are very probably not doing the 'real self-care' that truly benefits you to your core!
Really helpfully, Dr. Pooja makes the dinstinction between 'real self-care' and 'faux self-care'.
Faux self-care, she highlights, is: Recommended from outside of us; often refers to a 'noun' such an activity or a product; keeps us keeping on, &/or tries to sell us something to 'boost our energy' so that we can stay on the hamster wheel of modern life, and; is often something that 'leaves you feeling further away from yourself'.
On the flip side, Dr. Pooja highlights that 'real self-care' is: An 'inside job', which originates from within us; a 'verb', which describes the practice of on-going self-reflection and various decision making processes; any activity that leads to you getting your needs met, and; 'brings you closer to yourself' - that is, helps you to feel aligned with who you are, and what is most important to you.
This learning has been revolutionary to me, in terms of my own self-care, and for supporting my clients too - Begin able to spot the difference between the 'self-care' that looks shiny on the outside, but will not nourish us, or get our human needs met internally, is changing the lives of so many women for the better.
Self-Care on a time-line:
Another of my favourite definitions of self-care comes from psychologist Suzy Reading (https://www.instagram.com/suzyreading) - specifcally from her book entitled "The Little Book of Self-Care". In her book, Suzy defines self-care in these ways:
"...self-care is nourishment for the head, the heart and the body"
"...self-care is health care ... physical health, emotional health, energetic health and mental health"
"Self-care is healthcare, nourishing you in this moment AND nourishing the person you are becoming"
To my mind, the first two definitions of self-care from Suzy's book map really well onto Maslow's hierarchy of needs, as described above, just like Dr. Pooja's book did too.
The third definition, above, adds something really important and extra - It adds the concept of short-term gains AND long-term gains, and makes it clear that something is really only self-care if it helps you gain nourishment for your mind, heart and body BOTH right now, AND in the longer term. And I don't think we think about this longer term aspect of self-care enough.
One example I think of is drinking a glass of wine, or two, or three, to unwind after a hard day - this can often feel pleasurable in the moment, is it really doing you ANY good in the longer term? Alcohol adds toxins to our bodies, and puts additional pressure on our liver, and disrupts the quality of our sleep, if not the duration too.
Another example that comes to mind is when we spend money we can't really afford (if we're really honest with ourselves about our finances, that is) on a retreat or new skincare product - the things we financially invest in may indeed feel like self-care in that moment (and goodness knows the people selling these things are EXCELLENT at making us think we are denying our self-care by not spending our money with them!!), but - if purchasing 'self-care' products or activities then gets us into financial stresses at a later time, then it was simply not truly nourishing self-care.
A summary of what self-care means to me:
Learning about what my humans needs are, and getting those human needs met, as often as possible.
An ongoing, daily practice and process of weighing up what is nourishing for my mind, body AND soul (in my experience - real self-care will not make you choose between these aspects of you - real self-care is nourishing for ALL of you)
Always choosing my next activity based on my internal reflections about my needs, rathterthan flashing advertising .
A practice of prioritising my nourishment in the long-term AND short-term.
Thank you for reading!
I am Dr. Jenny Turner, Clinical Psychologist and founder of Mind Body Soul Psychology - a private psychology practice in which I offer face-to-face psychology assessment and intervention to individuals and couples in Ripon, in Yorkshire, as well as UK-wide online psychology services, via Zoom.
I am passionate about assisting people to alleviate their suffering, by helping them to better understand, embrace and honour their human needs & their humanity - as well as the humanity of their children, and anyone else they are in relationship with. And I wholeheartedly practice what I preach.
You can find out more about the psychology services I offer by exploring my website, associated with this blog. You can also follow me on Instagram: @drjennypsychologist (https://www.instagram.com/drjennypsychologist/) and/or on Substack: https://mindbodysoulpsychology.substack.com
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