Why Flexible Self-Care Works Better for Real Life (Especially for Working Mums)

I often see people on social media sharing their self-care “non-negotiables”—those daily rituals they commit to without fail. Journaling, meditation, morning routines, exercise, sleep hygiene, clean eating... you name it.

And honestly? I feel completely confused by that.

Because when it comes to my own self-care, everything needs to stay negotiable.

My Reality: Life Doesn’t Fit Neatly Into Daily Routines

Take motherhood, for example. As a parent, I don’t get to control what my day looks like.

I often can’t predict my son’s needs hour to hour, let alone create a daily routine I can stick to with any consistency. It’s a constant dance of responding, adjusting, and letting go of the plan—whatever the plan was!

Even when I think I’ve carved out time for myself, life throws a curveball. Maybe my partner’s schedule overlaps with mine. Maybe we miscommunicate. And while I’m not saying I always defer, the reality is that sometimes I do have to adapt. Self-care plans need to shift, sometimes.

Neurodivergence, Business, and the Messy Middle

I’m also a therapist and business owner (and probably neurodivergent too, which my perimenopause seems to be revealing to me).

When I’m deep in focus on my work, self-care often slips away unnoticed. (Case in point: I skipped my morning walk today, assuming I’d make up for it at lunch... but instead I sat down to write this blog.)

There’s also the unpredictability of client work—emails, emotional labor, unexpected needs. I can’t always anticipate how I’ll feel by the end of the day.

All of these moving parts—motherhood, partnership, business, neurodivergence—mean that rigid routines simply don’t work for me.

Would I like to walk every day? Absolutely. But most weeks, I manage it 3–4 times.

Would I love a weekly swim? Yes. In practice, I’m lucky to go once a fortnight.

I aim to stay off my phone after 8pm, but some nights that’s the only time I get to reply to messages or scroll.

I try to get natural sunlight before artificial light in the morning, but—let’s be real—my son has the TV on and the kitchen lights are blazing before I’ve even had coffee.

And in winter? Forget it.

Listening to My Body in Perimenopause

Since entering perimenopause, I’ve also been tuning in more to what my body is telling me. My energy, mood, and needs change daily. Some days I crave movement. Other days, rest. Some days I want connection. Others, solitude.

So while I care deeply about my wellbeing, my self-care simply can’t look the same every day. I do have a non-negotiable when it comes to self-care. But it’s not a specific activity.

It’s how I relate to self-care.

So - Here is my one true self-care non-negotiable: Flexibility.

I’ve learned that the only way I can show up for myself consistently is by adapting my self-care to fit the realities of my day. Rigidity doesn’t work.

Pretending I can stick to an ideal routine when life is full of unpredictable moving parts only leads to guilt and self-criticism.

Instead, I let my self-care look different every day—and that’s not just okay, I make it intentional.

What Flexible Self-Care Looks Like for Me:

• Some days I journal. Most days, I don’t.

• Sometimes I go to bed early. Sometimes I stay up late watching something mindless because that’s what I need.

• Some weeks I exercise five times. Other weeks it’s once—or not at all.

• Some days I eat well-planned, freshly prepped & home-cooked nutritious meals... Other days it’s toast and tea in between client calls.

  
  

And none of that means I’ve failed at self-care - Because I’ve made a conscious choice to relate to myself with compassion, not criticism.

Success in Self-Care Is an Attitude, Not a Checklist

What matters most isn’t ticking off a list of habits—it’s how I show up for myself.

Some days, my self-care includes an activity. Other days, it’s a mindset.

On the busiest, most chaotic days, it might just be the refusal to sit in spiralling shame about not doing more, and being compassionate to myself instead - That, to me, is successful self-care.

And being flexible with my self-care feels far healthier than chasing a rigid routine that doesn’t reflect the real, messy, beautiful life I actually live.

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I'm Dr. Jenny Turner, clinical psychologist, mum and founder of Mind Body Soul Psychology - a specialist, trauma-informed, private psychology service for mothers in midlife.

I can help you begin cultivate your own self-care in a way that enriches your life, and allows you to keep showing up to meet the needs of the people you care for too.

I offer online appointments to women based all over the UK, and I offer in-person appointments in Ripon, North Yorkshire - click here to find out more: www.mindbodysoulpsychology.co.uk

You might also like to follow me on Instagram, @drjennypsychologist , for regular moments of solidarity in the challenges of this midlife mothering journey, as well as compassion & inspirations for realistic self-care, at this time of life.

Or perhaps you'd like sign up to my Substack newsletter so that you never miss a reminder from me that you're worthy of care & compassion too, just like me.

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Ps. This post was created with the help of AI: I wrote an entirely original piece for my Substack newsletter recently, and I asked ChatGPT to re-word this original piece, so that I could publish it separately, as this blog article, without negatively impacting the SEO of my website, or my Substack. I then read through ChatGPT's suggested blog, and edited it, to make it feel more like my own writing again.