When Cycle-breaking Parenting Meets the School System: From Hope, to Grief, to Rage

For the three years after my son was born, I poured my heart into consciously parenting him in a way that honoured his emotions, supported his individuality, and prioritised his sense of relational safety & bodily autonomy. I thought I was preparing him to thrive.

I believed that when the time came for him to start nursery, the professionals there — the people trained to work with young children — would recognise all the groundwork I’d done and continue it seamlessly.

A small, quiet part of me even imagined they might commend me for raising a confident, emotionally expressive, self-assured child.

But stepping into the actual school-attached nursery was like waking from a dream - or, more accurately, like walking into a sort of nightmare: The fantasy I’d held of a nurturing, emotionally attuned environment crumbled almost instantly.

Instead of seeing him being met with empathy, understanding, and flexibility son entered a system that seemed, at best, indifferent to his emotional needs — and at worst, actively suppressive of them. And as that reality set in, my confusion deepened into grief.

I'm Dr. Jenny Turner, Clinical Psychologist & specialist in Maternal Mental Health & Cycle-breaking Parenting.

Grieving My Illusions About School

At first, I couldn’t comprehend how a system supposedly designed for children could so consistently fail to meet their emotional needs. I assumed — as many of us do — that schools are built with children’s wellbeing at their heart.

But weeks of hard emails, uncomfortable meetings, early pick-ups (because he was not okay), and soothing my dysregulated child at home chipped away at that belief.

I grieved the loss of my illusions. I grieved the hope that the school system would celebrate my child’s individuality rather than push him into compliance. I grieved the time and energy I’d thought I’d “gain back” once he started nursery — only to discover that building a bridge between two wildly different worlds (our home and the school) fell entirely to me.

Most painfully, I grieved the sense that my very conscious parenting style — the emotionally validating, and humanity-validating approach I had worked so hard to create — had seemed to actually make it harder for my son to “fit” into school.

They needed him to be quiet. I’d taught him to speak his truth. They needed him to follow the crowd. I’d raised him to know his own mind. They needed him to look calm, even when upset. I’d encouraged him to express what he was feeling in real time.

Looking back now, it seems obvious there would be a clash. But at the time, I truly believed the system would welcome an emotionally aware child.

From Grief to Rage

That grief hasn’t gone away — but it has transformed.

I no longer just feel sad when I hear three-year-olds being told to “stop crying” at school. I feel angry. I’m not just disappointed by strategies like distraction or ignoring children’s distress. I’m furious. And while grief still bubbles under the surface, there’s now a volcano of rage sitting on top of it.

Every interaction with the school system feels like an uphill battle. Every carefully worded email, every phone call, every refusal to sign off on something that isn’t neuro-affirmative or trauma-informed feels like a small act of resistance.

I've recently recognised too that it’s not only a fight for my child’s needs - It’s a fight for my sanity. It's a constant, conscious effort to trust my expertise, my instincts, and my research on child development, as the system tries to tell me in a million different ways that I’m wrong about all of this.

It’s Not About Individuals

I want to be clear about this: my anger is not directed at individual teachers, SENCOs, or council staff.

Most of them are kind, committed people. They are, like our children, caught in a system that compromises their humanity too.

I’ve seen first-hand the outdated equipment, the impossible workloads, the long delays just to access basic resources. These conditions are stressful, both consciously and unconsciously, and no nervous system can thrive under them. It’s no wonder staff turnover and sick leave are so high.

The same system that neglects our children’s emotional needs also neglects the adults working inside it. That’s why I’m careful to frame my fight as being against the school system — not against the people within it.

Fighting for Humanity

So when I push back on policies or practices in the school sustem - when I say, “This isn’t good enough for my child,” I’m not just advocating for him. I’m advocating for all children. And, in a way, I’m also advocating for the teachers, support staff, and administrators whose humanity is being eroded by the same dehumanising system.

Oppressive systems thrive when the people inside them fight each other instead of the system itself. I refuse to play into that.

My anger is real, but I aim to express it respectfully. I try to acknowledge the pressures staff are under, even as I hold firm on what my child needs.

This is the heart of cycle-breaking: we don’t break harmful patterns by blaming individuals. We break them by seeing the bigger picture — and by holding everyone’s humanity in view.

My Truth

My child is not the problem. I am not the problem. My parenting is not the problem.

And if you’re experiencing any of this yourself: Your child is not the problem. Your parenting is not the problem.

Our children don’t need to change. The systems do.

This is where my grief has led me. This is where my rage now fuels me.

And this is where my hope lies: that by standing together, parents, educators, and allies can begin to transform this system into something truly worthy of our kids.

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I'm Dr. Jenny Turner, Clinical Psychologist, Mum and founder of Mind Body Soul Psychology - a specialist, trauma-informed, private psychology service for mothers in midlife - I support emotional-cycle-breaking Mums, who are also fighting this fight, to stay sane and resourced for the battle.

I can also help you navigate perimenopause, heal from trauma, and finally transform your relationship to your own anxieties, shame, guilt, rage and/or overwhelm to enrich your life & relationships.

I offer online appointments to women based all over the UK, and I offer in-person appointments in Ripon, North Yorkshire - click here to find out more: www.mindbodysoulpsychology.co.uk

You might also like to follow me on Instagram, @drjennypsychologist , or perhaps you'd like to recence regular doses of solidarity and compassion right into your inbox? If so, you can sign up here to my Substack newsletter for regular moments of solidarity in the challenges of this midlife mothering journey, as well as compassion & inspirations for guilt-free self-care, at this time of life, so we can all stay resourced for the fights we're facing.