Midlife, Perimenopause, and the Myth That This Is Just “How It Is Now”

For many women, myself included - midlife arrives quietly, and then very loudly all at once.

If your experience of midlife is anything like mine, you may begin to feel different in ways that are hard to articulate: your body behaves unpredictably; your mind suddenly feels unfamiliar; your emotions intensify; your sleep fragments; your confidence wobbles; and a sense of ease you once had seems much harder to access.

Often, women are told this is “just perimenopause,” as though that should somehow make it easier. As if this transition is minor, inconvenient, or purely physical.

In reality, the perimenopause and menopause transition can be one of the most psychologically significant periods of a woman’s life.

This is why I offer specialist, women-centred support for all these common (yet not often openly talked about) experiences, associated with our midlife transition:

When our body and mind no longer feel like home

Many women experience heightened anxiety, low mood, or depression during perimenopause. Some of us also struggle with insomnia, brain fog, or a pervasive sense of being “wired but exhausted.”

Physical sensations, such as heart palpitations, restless legs, tightness in the chest, internal buzzing, can all feel frightening, particularly when it’s unclear whether they are medical, hormonal, or anxiety-related - This uncertainty alone can be deeply destabilising.

Another common theme I hear (and something I experienced myself in my own perimenopause) is a sense of betrayal:

Why doesn’t my body work the way it used to? Why can’t I cope like I once did?

When our internal signals become harder to interpret, it can erode trust in ourselves - both physically and emotionally.

Grief, loss, and what we’re not encouraged to name

There is often grief in this midlife transition, even when life looks outwardly “fine”.

Many of us grieve for the loss of our menstrual cycles or fertility. Some of us feel grief for our youth leaving us, or for a body that once felt more predictable. Many of us grieve for versions of ourselves that felt more energetic, hopeful, or carefree.

These losses are rarely acknowledged, which can make the grief feel illegitimate or self-indulgent. But unrecognised grief doesn’t disappear - it simply finds other ways to express itself. Unprocessed grief can instead look like anxiety, irritability, burnout or even a worsening of our physical symptoms like insomnia, aches & pains, or hot flashes.

“Is this it?” — the existential questions of midlife

For many women, midlife brings questions that feel both confronting and taboo:

Is this it? Wasn’t life meant to feel better by now? Easier? More fun? Why do I feel so dissatisfied when I’ve done everything I was supposed to do, and my life looks how I always wanted it to look?

These questions are not signs of 'failure' or ingratitude.

At this time of life, they are often invitations - signals that something within you is asking to be re-examined, reclaimed, or reoriented.

Relationships under pressure

Perimenopause is also a time when relationships can feel a strain.

There are somethings that we bring to these shifting dynamics: Our emotional tolerance may be lower, and our irritability or rage can surface more easily. And at the same time, there are factors brought from our Western society's that also impact on our relationhsips - for example, the predominant denial of the significance of this transition means that our partners often do not have the empathy for us that we need & deserve in this phase of life.

All of this means that old relational patterns that were once manageable may now feel unbearable. Many women find themselves wondering: Do I hate my partner now? Should we separate? Or is this perimenopause?

These questions can feel frightening and destabilising, especially when there is such little space in our society to explore them without judgement.

Understanding the interaction between hormonal change, nervous system load, life stage, and relationship dynamics is crucial before making meaning - or any potentially life-changing decisions.

When old wounds resurface

A particularly confusing aspect of midlife for many women is the resurfacing of old or childhood trauma - sometimes after years of feeling “fine” or believing these traumas had been resolved.

This can feel disheartening or even shame-inducing. As well as needing to cope with the reality of the trauma resurfacing (increased anxiety, tension, dissociation, etc.), many women are also feeling confused and shameful, thinking: "Why is this coming back now? Haven’t I already dealt with this?!"

Part of what is going on here is that perimenopause can reduce the nervous system’s capacity to keep unprocessed emotional experiences suppressed. Therefore, our old traumas may be emerging again now, to let us know that we still need some TLC for what happened to us in the past - our old traumas are often now asking for attention they have always needed, in this new developmental context which provides such fertile ground for healing (when we have the right support).

Neurodivergence and midlife

For some women, midlife marks the emergence - or recognition - of neurodivergence.

Traits that were previously masked or managed can become harder to sustain under the cumulative load of hormones, responsibilities, and burnout.

This can bring confusion, grief, and relief all at once. Beginning to compassionately uderstand your experiences through this lens can be profoundly validating and life-changing.

The anxiety that so many women carry

A particular kind of anxiety often intensifies during midlife - The kind that keeps you constantly on edge, unable to truly relax. A kind of anxiety that fuels comparison and leaves you feeling perpetually behind, and a kind that paralyses decision-making, or leads to endless second-guessing of ourselves.

This anxiety often speaks in a familiar, critical voice:You’re not doing enough. You’re not a good enough daughter, partner, friend, worker, or parent. You’re not pretty enough, calm enough, successful enough.

For many women, this anxiety has existed quietly for decades. For others, it emerges sharply in midlife - when the old strategies of coping, pleasing, and pushing through begin to fail.

This anxiety is actually an intricate weaving of anxiety and shame - having a therapist that understands both, and how they interact (like me), is likely to be incredible beneficial for you in this life stage.

Stress, burnout, and the cost of holding it all together

By midlife, many women are carrying enormous cumulative stress: careers, caregiving, emotional labour, relationship responsibilities, and often the unprocessed weight of earlier life stages.

Burnout in perimenopause is not a personal weakness. It is a nervous system reaching its limits, and (when we are supported well with this experience) it is an opportunity for a reset of priorities, according to your values and nervous system capacity, rather than societial expectations of you.

Learning to advocate for yourself

Another painful reality of this transition is how often women feel dismissed - by medical professionals, workplaces, and even loved ones.

Learning how to advocate for yourself and your needs, particularly in systems that do not fully understand or respect this transition, can be both necessary and exhausting.

Getting the right support here, to help you advocate for yourself, matters.

Midlife is not a "breakdown" - it can be a powerful threshold

While this period can feel destabilising, I do not view this time of life as simply a decline or something to “grit our teeth and get through”.

Midlife and perimenopause can be a profound psychological threshold - a time when what is no longer sustainable becomes impossible to ignore, and when a deeper alignment with our self & our soul becomes both necessary, and very possible.

With the right support, this transition can become not just survivable, but meaningful, transformative, and empowering.

You can make an enquiry to explore your own experience of perimenopause/menopause, with me, here.

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I'm Dr. Jenny Turner, Clinical Psychologist, Mum, late-in-life-self-identifying AuDHD human, and founder of Mind Body Soul Psychology - a specialist, trauma-informed, private psychology service for women.

I can help you at any stage of your life journey - whether you need support to enter adulthood, navigate perimenopause, heal from trauma, finally transform your relationship to your own anxieties, shame, guilt, rage and/or overwhelm - I can support you to enrich your life & relationships.

My services are trauma-informed, non-pathologising, compassion-focussed, neuroaffirmative, and always offered through an intersectional feminist lens.

I offer online appointments to women based all over the UK, and I offer in-person appointments in Ripon, North Yorkshire - click here to find out more: www.mindbodysoulpsychology.co.uk

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